Weblog
Tuesday, 20 November 2007
-
holiday
thanksgiving in two days, wow. i guess i'll just make myself an extra special holiday microwave meal. it's really sad actually. my grandmother is eccentric when it comes to cooking, and of course her thanksgiving stuff is wonderful. i used to love stuffing a lot. since i'm vegetarian i would basically skip the turkey or whatever and just eat twice as much stuffing. [lolz.] and she makes two kinds of pie. and sweet potatoes with big marshmallows on top. of course, anorexic or not i can't have marshmallows, except for the special vegetarian kind but i don't know where to get them.
i realized today that one of the things that initially drove me to starve myself was trying to avoid getting picked on. i have never ever been good at coming up with a snappy comeback. i'm absolutely spineless when someone has decided to torture me. so i guess i figured, "who would pick on a tiny fragile little kid?" and actually, i don't get quite as much shit these days. although my, "expression of perpetual piss-offedness" counteracts that. it's very unfair, i absolutely can't help it at all. it's just my neutral facial expression.
all i want in this stupid fucking world is to be loved and accepted. i want to relax and feel comfortable in my own skin. i hate having to put on a different face that i think somehow they'll like every day. i hate being jerked around, having to concentrate my own personality.
i am going to watch a movie now.
i don't really like movies.
only art films.
like run, lola, run. <3
Monday, 19 November 2007
-
dream
she's young. she has grey eyes that seem to have something deep hidden behind them-- maybe knowledge, or maybe just a strange brand of personality you can't get from anyone else. her hair is short, short, short, and the perfect shade of blue, not quite as natural as sky but about the same shade, not too faint and not too bright. it rains down on her forehead, slips down her temples to her neck in perfect little tendrils. she has a quick little grin you love to see. her bedroom is like a trip back into childhood, but perhaps an unusual childhood-- the colors and the toys remind you of how innocent, how sweet, how vulnerable she is. how she must be protected, and you're glad to do it. you love and you laugh lovingly at all the things that make her different, because they're all to her advantage. when she clutches her knees to her flat chest, her bony elbows poke through the long sleeves, the loose and yet form-fitting sweater collapsing into folds about her in the most flattering way. there are holes in her jeans that her bony knees poke right through, and she doesn't need to shave them, because she's just that small and underdeveloped. underweight. and delicate; she needs you to protect her. when she slips she bruises, the doors are much too heavy for her, she's so much smaller than you, don't you just want to take care of her? she has a fun, spunky clothing style, all the marvelous colors sparkling against her milky white skin. she's creative and imaginative. she has little quirks that make you love her more. she says nice things to you, smiles at you, makes sure you know she loves you back. she has a musical, tinkling little laugh. she read the entire dictionary when she was small. she carries marbles in a pink plastic sack. she has an empty, beautiful porcelain piggy bank from a yardsale long long ago. she draws on her walls and it doesn't look stupid. she smudges wet nail polish and it forms an intricate pattern of beauty. her sheets are colorful. she tapes things on her walls. she can't bear to kill even an ant. she smiles a lot and when she frowns it's cute. her fingers are long and spindly. her socks fall in folds about her ankles. anything looks fabulous, fun, quirky on her perfect bony body, her framework. -
pretty much the same
my perspective on the world changes drastically every day.
today my friend said to me, 'i know you say you're eating again and everything, but you just keep getting tinier and tinier."
damn that sort of thing makes me so happy.
my friends always call me "little person" or something along those lines.
they don't realize how they're making it even harder for me to let go.
last year, my ana kept me from drowning in this insensitive world. and every day it makes it possible to talk to people, to walk along knowing "i'm okay. i'm human. i'm marginally pretty. i'm not a freak, i'm not damaged. the ugly wartlike fat is gone, gone, gone." "skinny" is the only thing that gives me confidence in anything i do.
she-- he-- it saved me from how i was.
really, when i think about it, i wasn't really so much fat as just ugly damaged weird bad unattractive geeky pimply strange
i was a size 1 and weighed about 105-107 lbs.
i'm sure i LOOKED fat enough, but according to the BMI charts i was at the bottom end of the average range.
odd really.
i want so much in life. i want to do my very fucking best in this play, i want to put everything into my artwork, i want to make all of my friends good xmas gifts, i want to sew dolls, i want to talk to people, i want to design my own clothes, i want to play in a drum circle, i want to see my old friends again, i want to learn to play guitar
yet i know there's no way i can really do any of these things if i'm not perfectly wonderfully thin.
nice
sweet
quirky
love-able
scrawny
pure
cute
odd
attractive
light
selfless
never greedy
skinny.
Wednesday, 14 November 2007
-
well guess what.
i am not only eating,
but also trying [sort of]
to
gain weight
not that i really want to, but my weight is low enough to make the doctors say a couple more dropped pounds will land me in the hospital.
must not go to hospital must not must not must nott.
and i had a nice chat with my therapist today.
i'm really sort of beginning to
embrace
the concept of health being beautiful.
sure, 86 lbs feels fucking awesome.
but being so weak i can't shelve books without stopping to pant or open your average door or be touched without bruising fucking sucks.
i got no sleep last night.
partially because i had coffee near dinner,
partially because i was
fretting..
my dad had a gig last night and he always always gets drunk when he has gigs.
i hate him when he's drunk, absolutely one hundred-percent.
he says such awful things to my mom.
[though he doesn't ever physically hurt her, thankfully.]
however! some idiots who weren't even booked to play showed up and started setting up while they were out eating.
so they didn't play.
and their was no drunkenness.
<3
poem.;
there is
a monster in there
and it wants more somehow.
it is not content.
it purrs in warning
and i tell it to
shhhh.
it scrapes along the lining
of my stomach
and then when i ignore it
some more
it grinds between my ribs
like
a pencil that won't sharpen
and
vanilla sugar wafers and hardee's millshakes and
peanut-butter and
handful after handful of cap'n crunch straight from the box
won't
kill
it.
i must assume that the
monster
is
here
to
stay
Monday, 12 November 2007
-
Currently Listening
The Head on the Door
By The Cure
see relatedthe world hates vegetarians.
aghh, damn balance bars and their petty FISH GELATIN~! i don't CARE how much protein it has, quit sticking animal products in innocent-looking energy bars!
so yes, my last meal was not only high-calorie but also -not vegetarian-!! i was bored and was reading the ingredients, and stuff.. i guess it's for the better anyway, they have corn syrup and that sort of shit too >w< organic energy bars are the waay to gooo.
anyway [although i'm definitely the sort of person to write an entire entry about gelatin], last night i dreamed that i had submitted an application to some sort of volunteer thing-- it was associated with a school, but not my school. i ended up flaking out i think because my friends convinced me it would be too much of a hassle, it would be lame, etc. nobody ever asked where i had been, it was no big deal, no one cared, but i was a bit concerned about it for the rest of the dream.
i drew this today, of my character clive, who i think is lovely lovely ;
littlemeasuringcups
-
- Name: little mint
- Gender: Female
- Member Since: 11/8/2007
Connect
Weblog Archives
Don't worry - your calendar is here… to see it in action just click "Save"
above and refresh the page.
About Me
-
i draw and draw, i write and write; my entire life is how much i eat, how much i weigh, how skinny, skinny, skinny. 5'3", 86 lbs. that is my identity.
Subscriptions
Pulse
-
la la la la la, he wants to go to magic america.
-
pay attention to me. pay attention to me. pay attention to me.
-
i can never seem to get full. never never.
Chatboard (0)